You might not be able to tell by looking at me but I’ve been on a journey. Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the things I have let define me. I have been thinking about my childhood and choices I made (or did not make) and choices that were made for me. I’m not going to go into the past publicly because it is not necessary to risk hurting people I love for things they regret and cannot change. Ultimately I am learning that my past has made me the person I am today in some wonderful ways. I believe my graciousness and desire to understand the perspectives and motivations of others, come out of some of the difficult things I have experienced. Along with the great things my past has done to shape me positively there are a number of things that have had negative effects on who I have been.

Who I have been, not who I am.

Two of the things I had to learn to deal with growing up were, stress and loneliness. Over the years I have medicated stress and loneliness in countless ways but one of the primary outlet I have used is food. Perhaps that comes as little surprise for those who know me. The fact that I eat is easy to observe but my often unconscious motivations for overeating are less obvious. I believe first time I really turned to food to deal with the stress and loneliness was in the time surrounding my parents divorce; not that I was conscious that I was using food this way at the time. Over the years I have continually had a what I would call an unhealthy relationship to food. I have gained weight then lost some only to gain it again. I have tried various diets and fades. No matter what I have done I have never seemed to be able to lose weight and keep it off. Now I could point to my genetics or a bad metabolism, but honestly I do not usually buy that from other who use that excuse so.  Most people who are overweight are simply not eating right. There are exceptions I am sure, but I am not one, I am overweight because of how I eat. Sure, my genetics and metabolism enhance my poor eating choices but it was still my choice. I used to be frustrated but that fact, after all some people eat even more than me and they do not gain a pound. I am starting to see my genetics and metabolism as a gift of sorts. They serve as ongoing accountability, I can not just continue with an unhealthy relationship to food anonymously. Everyone can tell that I eat a lot of food even when I am not eating any. Because I am obese, technically morbidly obese (yeah thanks for that one doc). I can just keep eating what I want then grow tired of being  fat go on a crazy diet until I am tired of that and go back to eating poorly again.  Or I can take a closer look at my relationship to food and make eating something I so more consciously and look for healthier ways for handle stress, loneliness and other emotions.

Which brings me to the point of this post. I am ready for a real change, I ready make the person I am on the outside match the person I am on the inside. I am ready to change things about the person I am on the inside so that I finally stop the destruction on the outside.

I am ready to change the way I change.

On Monday, I started the Beachbody Ultimate Reset, (thanks to a generous and supportive friend) it is a 21 process which I hope to use to help me start thinking about food differently while resetting my food cravings. I know my stress is managed best when I surrender the things I want to control to God for Him to control. My lonely moments are managed first by remembering that I am fully loved and accepted by God and then by remembering all the great people He has put in my life. I am working on letting God be in control and remind me I am not alone, ironically he has already been using things like a break in, hospital bills, AC and car repairs to do this. I am excited to reclaim my identity, I am a love and cared for and excepted child of God, not someone who needs more “comfort food” to feel better about how life is going.

Hey thanks for reading this reflection. I will share periodically about my experience with this Reset in case it interests (or motivates) any of you.

So here I go!  Prayers appreciated!