Remember that reset?

Posted: February 5, 2014 in Uncategorized
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Its kind of funny how you don’t always do what you intend to do. I seem to have these great plans that at times get the wind knocked out of them. I last wrote on here when I was half way through the “Ultimate Reset” and because I never posted past the half way point you might assume I failed to finish. Well I did finish that reset and I lost over 30 pounds. More importantly, I learned a lot. I permanently changed some things in my diet like more water and no soda. I wish I could say that figured it all out and have I have seem nothing but success. But recently, I have not been as disciplined as I need to be. Which is a fancy way to say that I have pretty much just ate whenever whatever and as much of anything I wanted to. I have also not been exercising. Instead of just falling, I pretty much just did a nose dive off “the wagon”.

I’m not giving up by any means, I am just being real, it is so much easier to let my appetite be in control. I am still changing and I am still on a journey but it is hard. It is hard to stay focused on what could be (longer life, better health, more energy, being a positive example to my kids) rather than give in to the delicious familiar comfort that for me food often is.

Its hard but I intend to keep trying and learning. I am not the person I use to be nor am I who I should be. I am going to keep learning from my success and… my failure.

 

Today is the halfway mark of my 21 day Ultimate Reset. I feel better overall but these last few days my energy has been low, I went to sleep at 9pm last night which is early for me. I don’t know if the low energy is because my body is working hard to detox or if it’s because I’m getting a lot fewer calories than usual (it takes a lot of calories to keep this train going…and gaining).  Food wise this week is focused on whole grains, fruits and vegetables. That’s right, no meat.  I am eating a lot of new things, things like baked Tempeh. What is Tempeh? Tempeh is a fermented soy protein, it is less processed and therefore more nutritious than Tofu, it looks like hundreds of soy beans pressed together…because that’s what it is. Unlike Tofu, it has flavor, it is a little sweet and it is the consistency of undercooked pieces of carrot (a little firm and chewy).  I’m sure it is better for me than meat but I would still prefer any kind of lean meat over Tempeh (sorry PETA).

Eating so differently than I normally do is teaching me several things. First I’m learning how often I just want to eat, just to eat. At times I find myself thinking about what I could eat and then remembering I don’t need to be snacking and thinking, “Hmm, I’m actually not hungry”. Another thing I’m learning is to engage in conscious eating, that is thinking about what I’m eating, how it tastes and focusing on chewing it up well (something my great-grandfather tried to teach me long ago). Have you ever sat down with a snack to watch a movie only to look down less than half way through to see that your snack has somehow vanished?   That’s unconscious eating. I’m great at it! I’m also learning that the more water I drink the less hungry I feel. I know your parents probably told you that when you were growing up, turns out it true. I’m averaging 1-2 gallons of water a day (and 1 restroom break an hour).

I have lost 17 pounds so far (that’s more than my son weighs!). Apart from a few meals I haven’t felt like I was starving. Also, I feel lighter.  It’s amazing what drop a little weight does! I get out of bed in the morning and my back isn’t stiff. I am looking forward to seeing what else will change as I focus on being healthy. Stay tuned, in my next post I’ll talk about my exercise experience.

You might not be able to tell by looking at me but I’ve been on a journey. Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the things I have let define me. I have been thinking about my childhood and choices I made (or did not make) and choices that were made for me. I’m not going to go into the past publicly because it is not necessary to risk hurting people I love for things they regret and cannot change. Ultimately I am learning that my past has made me the person I am today in some wonderful ways. I believe my graciousness and desire to understand the perspectives and motivations of others, come out of some of the difficult things I have experienced. Along with the great things my past has done to shape me positively there are a number of things that have had negative effects on who I have been.

Who I have been, not who I am.

Two of the things I had to learn to deal with growing up were, stress and loneliness. Over the years I have medicated stress and loneliness in countless ways but one of the primary outlet I have used is food. Perhaps that comes as little surprise for those who know me. The fact that I eat is easy to observe but my often unconscious motivations for overeating are less obvious. I believe first time I really turned to food to deal with the stress and loneliness was in the time surrounding my parents divorce; not that I was conscious that I was using food this way at the time. Over the years I have continually had a what I would call an unhealthy relationship to food. I have gained weight then lost some only to gain it again. I have tried various diets and fades. No matter what I have done I have never seemed to be able to lose weight and keep it off. Now I could point to my genetics or a bad metabolism, but honestly I do not usually buy that from other who use that excuse so.  Most people who are overweight are simply not eating right. There are exceptions I am sure, but I am not one, I am overweight because of how I eat. Sure, my genetics and metabolism enhance my poor eating choices but it was still my choice. I used to be frustrated but that fact, after all some people eat even more than me and they do not gain a pound. I am starting to see my genetics and metabolism as a gift of sorts. They serve as ongoing accountability, I can not just continue with an unhealthy relationship to food anonymously. Everyone can tell that I eat a lot of food even when I am not eating any. Because I am obese, technically morbidly obese (yeah thanks for that one doc). I can just keep eating what I want then grow tired of being  fat go on a crazy diet until I am tired of that and go back to eating poorly again.  Or I can take a closer look at my relationship to food and make eating something I so more consciously and look for healthier ways for handle stress, loneliness and other emotions.

Which brings me to the point of this post. I am ready for a real change, I ready make the person I am on the outside match the person I am on the inside. I am ready to change things about the person I am on the inside so that I finally stop the destruction on the outside.

I am ready to change the way I change.

On Monday, I started the Beachbody Ultimate Reset, (thanks to a generous and supportive friend) it is a 21 process which I hope to use to help me start thinking about food differently while resetting my food cravings. I know my stress is managed best when I surrender the things I want to control to God for Him to control. My lonely moments are managed first by remembering that I am fully loved and accepted by God and then by remembering all the great people He has put in my life. I am working on letting God be in control and remind me I am not alone, ironically he has already been using things like a break in, hospital bills, AC and car repairs to do this. I am excited to reclaim my identity, I am a love and cared for and excepted child of God, not someone who needs more “comfort food” to feel better about how life is going.

Hey thanks for reading this reflection. I will share periodically about my experience with this Reset in case it interests (or motivates) any of you.

So here I go!  Prayers appreciated!